021116

I am having one of those depressing moments, whereby I find it slightly hard to breathe -- which I believe is partly due to PMS, which is a good thing lolol.

Keep having the feeling that I have not done enough, what I have achieved is not satisfiable, and I have no idea whether I have done enough because although I feel like I haven't, I have always done what I was supposed to -- what's more with the fucked up issues that have occurred last week. I hope and pray that I will be able to stand strong and get through this week, next week, and next few weeks. I know that there will be times where I have feelings similar to how I feel today again, and what I might have to do is to shun all these emotions aside which I do quite well nowadays.

I too hope that this "blow" (with the "" because I think it is not that much of a blow, but it affects me, dykwim?) will be good for me and will push me to work harder. For now or a few moments of today, I shall avoid speaking to people that exert negative vibes that don't work well on me -- not necessary that these people mean any harm to me but it makes me feel worse than I already am. 

I think it has not changed all this years that I am a kid that feels so troubled every so often hahaha but again, I am sure I am not the only one, but because I voice them out here and now only a small number of people post inner personal opinions on blogs. 

Time to prep for 6 hours lecture at school oh god. Bye bye

25102016

Long bus ride mmmm
On 963 to Woodlands Regional Library to do some studying. No idea why school is just not the environment for me to do self-studying haha because it's like there is a layer of stressful atmosphere, which I think has been garnered since the past two years of brain-wrecking sessions that last till late nights in school LOL

Is it because I feel that I won't be able to do well and because I'm not doing well? With the add-on of feeling how lacking I am in terms of passion and competency, after speaking to some people and realizing the huge gap? Is it because I'm too eager to want to realize how I am able to provide for my loved ones? Or is it because I feel like there are opportunities that I am walking past everyday where these opportunities won't be there for me again? Or is it because there are some distractions that I know will fix me in the wrong ways, for sure? I guess I am feeling sorry towards a number of people in my life for various reasons - where some of them I couldn't wait to make it up to, and there's a few who I don't know how to.

Are these all that's troubling me? Maybe I should do some testing and analysis on myself LOL too much of software testing for the past few weeks

Hope that I can be more productive today. Yes I have done my part for all the work that I must do, but I have been slacking on catching up with revision. Yes I shall do as said and if I didn't do it I'm going to come back here and scold myself lol

Missed how magically blogging can allow me to realize inner thoughts which I am unable to sort out in my head, which I will be unable to tell anyone if it has not been put out into rational sentences in my head. It's all good, all good.

Meanwhile, so thankful for the Friday spent with aiai last week. It has been the most meaningful meet-up and h2h talk we have had in such a long time. I definitely feel so so so blessed to have her, on a level which no one else will be with me.

Thankful for the simple Saturday with boy too, a lighthearted one, eating what we like to eat, watching what we like to watch and doing what we like to do. And that's all I need when I'm with him on a rare and common free day for us both.

Then for today, I'm thankful to meet le bro LeeLeongLeong, who will always be there silently and at weird times that are surprisingly right, to exchange a few concerning words and rant about school. It is just so awesome to have this bro of mine in the same school now.

Till then *waves*

12102016

Feel a rush of loneliness for quite a while, for the whole day, so I reckon I will come here and speak whatever is in my mind now. Then again, I am quite sure it's the hormones in action because it's the period of the month, what's more I have been having cramps for the whole evening. Quite sure I'll be feeling all bubbly again soon hahaha HOPEFULLY, I think also might be because it has been days since I saw Shermy.

So, this Friday marks the end of Week 6 and tadaa! Recess week is hereeee but even though the thought of the week brings happiness, the cohort jolly well knows it's the time to clear up shit and get ready for the 2nd part of the trimester. This Friday also marks......... The THIRD adventure to HHN6 with Shermy!!! Second time with Piak and KL. FIRST WITH JOEY LIM TWINNY. HAHAHA

HHN5

HHN4

Pictures kop-ed from IG from screenshots lol. Don't think I'll ever get sick and tired of HHN or just USS itself. LOOKING FORWARD TO FUTURE HHNs OF PAYING TO SCARE MYSELF and even after I have kids I'll bring them up with the courage to accompany me to HHNs lolll

Remembering like 8-10 years ago, when I blog I just pour everything out along while thinking, and currently at this moment, I envy my ability to do that back then hahaha. Right now it is never wise to not consider who will chance upon the blog. Remembering the days when no one will make a fuss out of a thinking out loud blog post, whereas every single thing is blown up nowadays when it is not a tad significant to anyone else's life *roll eyes*

But anyway my point is, I am curious to know what's bothering me currently through writing but apparently it doesn't just flow out naturally like how I thought it would LOL
Upon the end of writing this post, I shall go and work on a doc and ppt that are due tomorrow. (I guess that means I will drag finishing this post hahaha) I didn't want to start work with a troubled mind.

Ok maybe something to discuss with invisible audience here, or rather with myself - do you still think twice or thrice before speaking to someone, with the mindset of not wanting to say something that might offend/bore/sadden the other party? I am not exactly one that speaks my mind without thinking, and in fact, I use different tones, gestures, body language and level of enthusiasm in my voice lolol when I talk to different groups or individuals. I think that's why I find it tiring to talk to people nowadays and one of the best things I can get is to take the train home alone while listening to songs I have played for at least a 100 times because, I rarely update my phone playlist. Speaking of that, I shall download some songs later too.
I guess that it has really became a phase whereby I gradually listen to lesser and lesser new songs, and play songs from the past that feel really nostalgic, classic example being  最熟悉的陌生人 LOL, a must-sing song in the past whenever I go to K with aiai and laopo.
So back to the topic. Sometimes I find it pointless and will scold myself stupid when I have to think for an unreasonable number of seconds or minutes before replying to someone (text message) because it's like, why am I trying so hard to think of words such that it will make myself more "pleasant" to the other party. Maybe this is just me lah (I know a lot of things is not just me LOL but sometimes after I tell my opinions to someone, they'll pause and be like, oh you feel like that ah, I don't yadayada), it is not as bad as I make it sound here LOL because it's part of life and socializing ma right and it's not like one whole conversation everything I send have to think.

But, I really miss the times or I really love it when I can just spurt out whatever is in my mind or don't even go through my mind to another individual without getting judged too much (judge is ok lolol), I think that is da bezzz sia. At a time like this and I mean time like 12.21am as it is now, I feel like going to Woodlands Waterfront like how I used to go there alone whenever I feel like, without worrying for my own safety lol -- then again since when I worry for my safety so much ah? Scared suddenly got flasher or like if got guy walk past at night I'll be super alert and skeptical LOL. But anyway now I am at Yishun and I couldn't possibly go to Woodlands Waterfront although Yishun dam is an alternative hahaha but things are just not the same anymore -- not that it is a bad thing. Maybe, perhaps after I have access to a more convenient way of travelling *wink*

A lot of things I have mentioned in this and recent blog posts might be cliche but I think that's why personal blogging is practically dead now because people scared whoever will see the post will judge ma. I think that's one of the reasons I went away for so long and blogged so little. But, no matter how infrequent I'll be blogging, this blog won't die ok like even if the theme changes or my link changes also won't HAHA. I sort of regret deleting my very first blog since primary school. AT LEAST my blog with posts from secondary school times  is still alive phew and it is always good to read back whatever retarded stuff I have written before, be it really good or bad memories.

I think I feel so much better now? LOL wonders of blogging. Shall go serious mode while getting music therapy with my fav old chinese mpop songs lolz goodnight whoever is there x

04102016

Good mornza! On a non-peak morning train now and I feel so good, like so much better than yesterday when I couldn't get on for 6 trains, door of cabin closed on me at one-north when I haven't even get out, had a super bad stomachache and a screwed test. Nonetheless, thankful for Tuesday! For everyday of this last study trimester actually, everything seems so bright and positive (most of the time lol) that it has been 5/13 weeks already.

Weird how I started off in Sept 2014 being heavily worried and stressed over school to the state of crying continuously few days a week (I knowww) to being nonchalant BUT still hardworking hahaha. Past 6 trimesters weren't really a breeze, but I've learnt so much from school, from a different environment compared to poly with different cultures and facing a diverse of personalities everyday. So now, I'm telling myself to enjoy every single day of this trimester before moving on to a one full year of being away from my classmates and one step nearer towards being a working professional.

Ya apologies for my dry and reflective content ok LOL

Hyped for new style experiment with my awesome possum hensum boy 😍
This guy was commenting that day and the other day lolol about how both of us spend money on different stuff - tangible and intangible goods. Shermy like to spend on quality clothing items that he can see and wear everyday even though it costs a bomb, but I don't mind spending once in a while on a staycation or a vacation, food, massage or a day of fun. I refuse to spend more than $10 for a piece of top, bottom or shoes, while boy can eat the same thing everyday just to save money. Overall, I can say that both of us don't splurge and know how to invest our monnehz in ourselves wisely hahaha

Speaking of food, I already can't wait for lunch with Roll already damnz

18092016

Current blog post count for 2016: 1. ONE. Only one. How did it became like this hahaha

And having penned down this post. Today is my aiai's birthday. And the last time I posted was my laopo's. LOL. I think this cute nicknames will stay till we're old and with kids and it has narrowed down to just a few that have the honor to be called by a nickname from me hahaha

Anyways, it has also came down to one last trimester to be in the undergrad course that I am in, not exactly the last of the last, but the last one that have 13-weeks duration study modules. Then I am moving on to a 1 year internship. Quite thankful for the school's scheme actually, I have came to appreciate how much it will help me in my career as time goes and the way they taught us has came to become effective as well. Most of the professors that have taught me (before this trimester, which has just started 2 weeks ago) were awesomely patient as well. SIT, what are you waiting for, time to sponsor me for a blog post LOLOL but speaking of this, surprisingly I still have occasional visits to this blog. Shall call this the Dead Sea of Mermaid Ong now hahaha

Have not been feeling well for a week also since Piak's soccer tournament finals last Sunday (Woooooo!!!! So proud of the bro even though they got runner-up -- their persistence was so commendable, whereas as the other team was just a bunch who play smelly) till now and I have different symptoms everyday, I don't even know what I feel now LOL

So today is my dearest aiai birthday, and yesterday was a blast even though we 抱病上场 and went to Katapult trampoline park and jumped until our souls left our body. The back dive was some scary shit - I have came to a realization of how LONG it has been since I've such adventurous ventures (and this is not really adventurous) and I was more of a scaredy cat than I thought I would be hahaha. Good 1 hour though. Then we had a short lepak session at ma home while she read some love-letter from me keke then she went for another birthday plan hahaha. Never does this peach know we'll surprise her again this year huh hahaha having only met the other surprise plan participants/old friends like about once a year only (except for XT). It was always a good night to see aiai being surprised, and I always had a good laugh with this bunch around.

So happy and feel so blessed for Shermy too, having started a new phase of his life. I am glad and so proud of this guy who always works so hard and never fail to put his heart into everything he is doing. Gonna start trying out one of his hobbies for a period of time soon hehehe wonder how it'll turn out!

Speaking of all these. I really feel like a very fortunate human being for everyday of my life, even though I NEVER fail to complain every single day and rant to anyone and everyone hahaha. Everything is going on the right track for me if I just step back one step to take an overview of things happening in my life and where I am now, the 13 years old me would not believe that I would have come this far to be where I am now. Nope I am not in NTU or NUS or SMU but I am really glad to end up in SIT with the opportunities it has to offer us as students. Nope I am nothing near rich now, event though I save as much as I can. But I have a family who cherishes each other every single day, my friends who surround me these days are the only ones I need in my life, and I have a boyfriend who cares for me more than himself or other people, events or objects (lol *coughdenimcough*) in his life, and lastly, I have a tentative 5 year plan that I want to head to, and I know how not to be too affected by how successful or not others are in their lives and to go with my own pace.
I will still get anxious now and then and tell Shermy every time it happens which is quite often, but he and I know we will get through this.

Can't wait for this trimester to be over and start my own new phase at a new environment next year. Really cannot wait.

Till then, till next time

05042016

Firstly... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY GIRL XT (yesterday)!!! And congratulations hooooooomygod. I'm just so happy for you it brought tears to my eyes when I saw the news :')

Dislike how being uni makes it so hard for me to meet anyone who is not my classmate. But anyway nearing 2 years liao, what's new right. TWO YEARSSSS we thought things will get easier but nooo I don't even know if this school treat us like human lolol So this week is the 13th week which means that it's the hell week once again with all the submissions deadlines all in this week plus presentations. The weird thing about the people in my course/school (not sure about OU) but we look forward to exam period more than anything LOL because it means no stupid deadlines and facing stupid people. Maybe not literally stupid lah just people who freeloads and think they queen or king. It's alright, after this trimester it'll be just one more study trimester left starting in Sept. HI THERE MY KOK BROS lai lai join your senior

 Just gonna be prepared for all the brain usage maximus today, was gonna say something negative but nah, I CAN DO THISSSS JUST 4 MORE DAYS LEFT

06102015

Year 2, Trimester 1. Three more study trimesters to go before the integrated work and school programme. 9 more modules to go, probably all with team projects.

There are people who are really smart and they know they are smart, and apparently they will tend to look down on those with weaker abilities. Those who are rich in knowledge. Who is so eager to show off what they know, rather than share and teach those that needed the teaching. "Elistist" is the word. They do not care whether the weaker ones tried their best because to them, weak is weak and they will forever be high above.

Facing people like that is really tiring. I might be one of the weaker ones, I might be stronger than a few, but the respecting people principle is one that I apply to, whatever I do, wherever I am. Unless of course, with a second chance given you prefer to disrespect me again and again.

People issues. Sigh. Something that I have been facing, something I will be facing in school for a year or more and... In the society. Unavoidable, that is, and this is a fact that I am aware of. But here I am, blogging out loud, and discreetly hoping that there will be kinder people, more compassionate people, people who are not full of themselves.

On a brighter note... HHN5 NEXT FRIDAY. HELL YEAHHH YEARLY TRADITION. Totally can't wait to be scared to death. Those who love horror genre should watch The Visit, the show where I can't help but keep asking Shermy, "How?! OMG HOW. HOWWW" during the climax of the show.

To Shermy and the few classmates that make my time in school so much better, thank you. X

17082015

So... I think my life has so much changes. It's actually quite fortunate that there is this place where I can go 'I', 'Me' and 'Myself' and no one judges. It's sad that I've become so mindful of getting judged.

Note to self, reflection time -- you've got every right to be happy, as cliche as it is, no one can love you if you don't love yourself.

Thank you fisherman x

28112014

 I guess that when certain kind of situations happened to you for quite a few times, you'll panic, you'll feel the same negative emotions, you'll be helpless, but somehow you'll also know that the whole thing will be done and settled with one day, and the rainbow is forever there, it's just how you can make it visible to you. 

Exams are next week, I'm barely making it through. These three months make me feel the dumbest I've ever felt in my life, but I've also learnt quite a bit, and I'm thankful that at least I'm gaining interest although the workload and difficulty level (to me) are really ridiculous sometimes and I am just like fml, why am I even doing this, why did I even chose this route. But end of the day again, I know the real reason, and speaking of that I realise that I actually have a goal, having a direction and that really makes me feel much better. 

People in school are really good to me, I'm thankful for all the craziness and laughters and gossips but oh god the drama that existed in there really awes me like I don't even get that kind of dramas floating around in school when I was in primary school or my partial secondary school life. But all's good, everyone has the evil tongue now and then but all of them have soft and kind hearts. Which I really find so awwwwwww. 

There's some annoying people with no sense of empathy and sensitivity towards others. Smart but talk with no brains. The irony. 

Thank god for my didi, hu0xing ge, kaikai and the market bunch so I don't have to hold my complaints back when I get angsty or in desperate mode, and I can say whatever shit I want which varies depending on the 63754865 moods we're put into everyday lololol and they'll entertain me. 

And lastly, my pillar of support, my boy. We have been missing each other so much, can't even have much quality time together. The December holidays are so yearned for, and it's definitely not enough for me but I'm so so thankful for it. Had my own exam prep kit today which I'm really all smiley about today, which was specially prepared by my fisherman. *beams* He brought it up personally and didn't want to let me know what is it. How sweet right? I mean who else, which guy does this for their girls nowadays? He brings out the best in me and I've never been a more positive person before I met him. Had a slight rough patch with coping with the sudden changes in lifestyle, and I'm glad it made us both better people. I always reminisce about how we play wrestling together and laugh at weird people we see (yeap I know don't say me) and always creating inside jokes that make me tear and my stomach pain . You're really the best, boy. 

Gonna get a good sleep and tomorrow is really gonna be my full blast, full effort, full energy studying. Jiayou jiajia. And to the kids (we're forever kiddies in our own hearts) taking exams soon, add many many oilllll

22102014

Firstly, a happy 22nd October which marked the 8th month for me and Shermy for being together. Perhaps not a happy-everyday kind of 8 months, but till today I am still glad that I have him in my life. Being a really self-conscious and on-off negative person, having someone like Shermy who reminds me every now and then of how treasured and how not worthless I thought of myself that I am, really means a lot to me and changed my attitude towards life a lot.

And FINALLY SAW SOH VIVI TODAY. Makes my day a lot, missing this girl so much.

Came here to clear my mind off stuffs... Can't proceed to studying. Is it because I am gonna be studying Maths? Haha discrete mathematics is like killing me with all that logic. Thank god I got a C+ for my first test. By right I actually need to work much harder for the upcoming test on next Friday that's why I am so pek cek now because it seems like my mind can't settle down and start attacking the nots. Maybe I should move on to another mod first before moving back to maths. Oh well.

---

I make jokes. Because who doesn't like making people laugh and also making ourselves slightly happier at the moment, at the same time? I can take jokes to a certain extent, quite a large extent so as to say. But please, do not take that as an advantage and start sprouting nonsense just for the sake of a joke and think about what you are saying for that moment. Especially if it is not even funny in the first place. If you have to make fun of me to say the joke, yeah go ahead, DO NOT drag anyone else in my life in for that little meaningless joke you're making.

---

I need to do something more meaningful because I know that doing meaningful things makes me happier. Like exercising, sweating it all out and feeling good about myself and my body afterwards. Like completing schoolwork and feel free of tasks and assignments on my hand (well this is why I am feeling bad now). And like doing good things, good deeds, being good to people and not ask for anything in return. How many times can we truly do that -- treat people well without any other thoughts or certain motives? Not even like, "Ok I've been gossiping about people quite a lot nowadays, it's time to pay back those karma points." or "I better start treating people well so that I will get nice treatment from other people." Disclaimer: I don't treat people badly! (a bit straightforward sometimes but nope I don't think I am bad) Just that if you think this way before doing a good deed, it's like a hidden motive isn't it? This makes me wonder what is it like to be truly sincere towards other people, and the only way should be... Not thinking about this question at all I guess? Since if we start thinking it means we're thinking of reasons and it would not be coming from the bottom of our hearts. Don't know if what I've said make sense at all lololol

Tests on next Tuesday and Friday. Was so traumatized by the weekly non-stop tests since week 3 of school but I think now I am quite adapted to this style, thank god. Hopefully after this post I'll be fully concentrated on what I have to do. I NEED MORE POSITIVE VIBES

If the saying is true that we should stay away from people who make you feel negative about yourself, should I?

Or... this other quote that I just saw,

"Once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less."

I must constantly remind myself that those we do not need to care about those that doesn't matter. And also that people judges us lesser than we think.

So thankful for Shermy and the fam. Letting me know that I am not alone, always.

02092014

In the train now, on the way to Jurong East MRT, today is my 2nd day starting at Singapore Institute of Technology. 

Can't say things are going well, and it's too early to say that things are messed up, but I'm just not in a very relaxed state. Before I wake up properly at 6.20am, I woke up thrice involuntarily at 2+am, 4+am, and at 5.50am wtf. Guess it's a result of all the planning and thoughts runningin my head, thinking of ways to adapt to school since 6pm which was ever since I reached home. Took about 45min nap without feeling rested. 

Yesterday started off okay because school was in the afternoon, met some coursemates for lunch and celebrated a birthday (Happy Birthday once again Jinyu!). Reached school just in time for the lecture and because I did not turn up for Day Zero due to going Krabi with the family (no regrets), I've lagged behind in knowing the locations of lectures/tutorials/labs. 

Well, one of the first things we heard in the lecture was "This is the start of your very tough and difficult journey." So motivating. 2nd thing we've heard might be, "You're currently in a module that you should have exempted but didn't." It pissed me off somehow because we were told that if there was more than certain percentage of the modules' description that we find unfamiliar/did not learn before, we should take that module. And now suddenly we're accused of being 'scared' and being mocked at in some ways because we'll be learning the same stuffs in other modules. And what's more with the emphasis of 'all of us' having been in an IT-related diploma and we should know this, we should know that, when not ALL of us were in an IT-related dip, and even if we were, the amount of IT knowledge we were given varies. 

We registered a module to learn stuffs we know we do not know and why is it that we should know the stuffs which of course are chicken feet for you?

😤

This angst has been accumulated with unpleasant experiences regarding admin, module selection and Welcome Ceremony matters. So a first day like that definitely leave me not pleased at all. Truth to be told, I'm really quite worrier about myself. 

Hope things will get better which I believe it will smooth out in time to come. Told boy I'll work hard for 21 days and it will become a habit (somewhere/someone said 21 days of doing anything will make it a habit) and things will get easier in weeks and months. 

Gonna get through today, have a rest and have some normal relaxed life with Shermy before I go to work, which I believe I'll find more comfort from lol. Tomorrow's another long day though. Glad to have taken only 4 modules this trimester to get use to all these hectic changes in my life. 

Morning rants lol btw LIFE WAS GOOD AT KRABI LAST WEEK WITH MY LOVED ONES hehe bye gonna meet the course mates

23072014

Just had a deep conversation with da boy from a tiny topic that branches into something that we've both not confessed before. 

Sometimes I wonder, how do people define right and wrong, and how do we ignore people who disapproves us although we do know very well of what we're doing? How do we succeed with all the shit opinions people have of us? It's hard for someone like me, because not only do I want to feel good within myself, I crave to be understood for the intentions of my own doings. 

This is something I've been struggling with since the year started, or since the year 2013 was ending. But I guess I will slowly learn how to acknowledge but let go of words and thoughts of other people think, for those people might have long forgotten about the matter and I'm still fighting with myself silently. Or at least, allow one person in that will understand totally, then I wouldn't be alone anymore. Maybe I will even stop fighting, slowly. 

Done with hoops, gonna have a shiok shower and continue shopping for the Krabi trip!

22072014

Exercise diary: 

- 35min Air Climber stepping machine

- 30min of treadmill jogging

- 4 rounds X 25 reps of squats 

- 30min of hoops

Diet:

- Coffee + one slice of bread with kaya

- Blueberries + grapefruit juice 

- Yogurt + steamed corn cob + cherries

- 2 x wholemeal bread with peanut butter

Thank you mummy for painstakingly preparing them for me. 

Life feels so much better and more eager to look forward to when I'm leading a healthy and fitter life. Waking up to see a rosy and healthier looking bod in the mirror every morning, all the breathlessness and leg aches will be all worth it (sometimes the aches are even enjoyably shiok). 

Side note: can't wait for zoo trip with boy and Krabi trip with my family and boy!!! 

22072014

5th month with boy today. How fast was that? Haha to be honest it seemed really draggy and long at first, like oh, it's only the 2nd month. And now I'm thinking like, well 5 months is just 5, but almost half a year has gone by! (yeap I do understand the term 'long' means 10 years or more) Not only the times I spend tgt with Shermy, the year is ending real soon too, and it seemed only like yesterday that I have graduated. Missing RP and the own-pace-own-problem way of life. 

Maybe god (generically) took some things away and gave me some pain to take, only to allow me to meet someone beautiful, have better thoughts and more positive about life, because I've probably proved that I somehow deserved it? Not to say I was a perfect number 1 girlfriend in the whole wide world, but I was being really responsible and doing everything right. I didn't know what was wrong. But being an obedient, considerate and self-conscious girl giving everything might be the problem itself after all. 

Nevertheless, it was a whole lot of mess to clear up and out of my life -- also the biggest lesson I have learnt so far out of life. Currently, I'm still having the ups and downs (small or big) of life, learning and experiencing the cruel but amazing life (after turning 21st especially), understanding myself and relationships. 

Life with Shermy has been really wonderful I can say. Despite the recent quarrels last two months which have only positive effects aftermath; from him I've learnt to love myself more, look at myself in a different way. I've never ever define myself as pretty, not say beautiful even. I think that's because no other halves of mine have ever told me that. I've learnt to receive and not just give... It has been a while and it took me sometime to adapt to all the concern, care and attention I've been showered with (which was unbelievably one of the problems I had in this 5 months with boy)

I has been criticized for behaving the way I was before, thus having to watch my every step with everything I do or say. Now I finally found 'that' self back and I'm really really grateful that this boy love me no matter what ugly faces I pull, unglamourous things I have done (some are done purposely to put to test -- success), dreadful things I've said to him, and that black part of my heart that has been revealed to him. He never judged me, and by that I really mean never. Silly things like walking clumsily and almost falling down, he'll give me a fond look because that's how he love me -- me being myself. I'm not exactly skinny now myself (thus the workouts I've been starting) but he never once minded it and he will just say that I'm perfect and beautiful for every time I complained (and doing nothing) about my body as a reply. 

I mean, this kind of thing used to be quite bullshit to me because such things only happen in movies, storybooks, medieval times, my parents' times yadayadayada... But I'm experiencing it myself for real this time. We do quarrel over stuffs like jealousy, really differing opinions and never getting to agree with each other, and (me) having problems with the way he do some things -- of which I realise isn't a big issue and I can actually get used to and is able to accept, because that was how I wanted people to treat me in the first place. 

All in all, I understand that life will have sudden changes in certain points of life, and I will accept it if there is gonna be one between me and Shermy, no matter how bad it might get. But for now, I'll have faith -- that's what he always tells me, have faith. 

"Have faith and enjoy, that's how you can live the moment. I know that the future is unexpected, but what if you take a leap of faith and it might turn out good after all? I have trust and faith that we'll turn out well."

That's what he said to me, at least along that line. And I know I'm never gonna be happy if I don't try. 

Just a sudden rush of need for blogging, let's hope I'll be back tomorrow haha

21072014

Gonna just post a short one before I start out with the workout...

Have been thinking that I would have a happier and healthier life when I'm all slim and fit, not only can I fit into anything I want, I'll feel better mentally and physically as a whole. Other than exercising, controlling my diet, I've also been quitting things, habits that are harmful to me... I'm so glad I managed to quit both of them.

My social life is also an on-off thing because sometimes the only place that I am able to feel like myself, not feel like every one of my actions is being watched and judged, is at home and alone, doing, reading and watching stuffs that inspire me. I realised that once I walked out and meet people, it's about comparing how successful one is, the knowledge one has and what are the brands of material stuffs one has bought. Don't anyone think how meaningless that is? I do. It just stresses me out. Can't we just talk about nonsense and light stuffs that will just make everyone laugh heartily? I believe that I've given myself sufficient stress for me to move on at the right pace of life, and it's just quite an extra load to have to face that while socializing, and that being said is supposed to be a therapeutic thing.

School gonna start in September. Think I wouldn't have anymore free time after that, let alone go overseas for a vacation in that 3-4 years. So before going to Krabi with family and the boy, I just feel like going to Malaysia or like Bintan for a short getaway, and before the hectic life begins. Anyone on or not, who want to go with me? Hahaha

Worklife is great as usual, all those gossips with boy make everything better everyday, working with him, with the cheerful greetings and jokes by the aunties, but sometimes it's just hard to get along with some people, especially if they're all weird/inconsiderate/ill-mannered. Oh well.

Going to give my blog a fresh look soon. Hopefully to be done up by myself though, I'm an IT person mind you lol

15012014

Awesome. Leaving me so many shits to uncover. Now when I want to be angry and rage at you because of all these discovery, I can't. I can't retaliate to that no matter how it really upsets me because you wouldn't be happy, them too, and it will lead to much more unhappiness for myself. Then again, why did you left in the first place? I can't feel angry, just because you will not like it and it is so unfair because why does it mean that when you're gone we'll have to think of how you feel because you're the one that leave us hanging and it's us that are unable to do anything.

Im really unhappy and angry but at the end of the day I can only keep mum and be sad. I know it's ridiculous but I hope that in someone or another you'll see this. It's the best that you settle this yourself.

I thought it will be a whole new life since that day and this will just slowly fade away while I live my life, but no. Too naive of me. Slept and woke up thinking of the same thing. Im just glad that Im still standing like how I am and I did not stop moving. Im still sober and sane.

I hate you, so, so much. For what you did to me before you left, and even more for what you have in stall for me after you irresponsibly left silently.

31122013

Just sitting on bed, spending the last afternoon of the year with myself, with my mum's voice in the background while she is talking to my auntie on the phone. Gonna have a simple and good night with Aloy and Vi later on for the countdown at Khatib, I guess. These two dears standing by me all these while, giving me support, checking on me so often to ensure I am ok and making me laugh like crazy although there are some really stupid (haha) conflicts in between.

It's not the best year for me, no. I will not say it's the worst because I cannot guarantee life wouldn't give me anymore lemons, but this year sure is some real shit. It's also a year that will cause the biggest change in me. Change in my mindset, change in my faith, strength and beliefs.

The whole thing is still so surreal. Perhaps just a lil bit of that sinks into me once in awhile, whenever I thought of my daughters, realizing that I couldn't call them mine anymore and the reason why that is so will then be right in my mind, so clearly and vivid.

I don't know what to say anymore, maybe just that I really really miss you, I still see you everywhere and everything I see still reminds me of you. I still can smile and laugh like the Jiamin I am and I am still quite positive in life, but it will not be the same anymore. I'm scared to watch Running Man alone, I scrolled through Instagram photos of friends and their dogs hastily, I don't play those games anymore, I don't dare to open Viber and I avoid looking at chili crab cup noodles or CP wanton noodles when I'm in 7-11.

But I will be fine, I will. Actually I think I am. But the guilt will stay, because I know that I could have make a difference and the ending would have been so much better and things could be solved in a less messy way.

2014 is just tomorrow, it's just another day away. Going to start tomorrow by waking up, nua a bit, then work.
Things I think I will look forward to for the following -- finishing FYP, graduation, graduation trip, getting a fixed job, my 21st birthday (and all my other babies'), have a healthier lifestyle and better figure. I'm sure that are more things in store for me, be it tears or joy.
I'm really thankful for everyone in my life -- my family, angels, 7w, dada and xixi, l2op, sidetrack, my boys the 'slaves' etc. Please continue to stay, and bear with me x



Just a quick recap of the some of things I did in the year with the people I am glad that are still in or entered my life, and also some that left... And of course some selfies yknow haha

That was the happiest trip I had with you, though I might not be the only one in your heart and that point. Thank you for everything that you gave that made me who I am.