We might read quotes and stories, look at beautiful and meaningful pictures and we feel them, but at the end of the day we don't act like that because of the influence from the world we live in everyday. It's not easy to have inspiring thoughts in our mind having the cruel reality surrounding us everyday.

“We all have different stories we tell ourselves. We tell ourselves we are too fat, or too ugly, or too old, or too foolish. We tell ourselves all these different stories because they allow us to excuse our actions, and they allow us to pass of responsibility for things we have done — maybe to something within our control, but anything other than the decisions we have made.“
— Eleanor Brown, The Weird Sisters (via 0x-ygen from Tumblr)


Food for thought.

Argh the new Macbook charger keeps coming off. But no, it doesnt irritates me because at least I have an awesome laptop. I am grateful.

Study plan fails once again, because once I am seated here, my mind goes elsewhere... Tumblring, shopping, listening to songs. Imagining the story of the songs and wondering how all the other people must have been feeling when they reblog or post something on Tumblr.

Definitely going to school tomorrow since I missed it last week. But seriously I do not like Monday lessons, the main reason being how bonded the class is, having laughter and everything, me being the ignorant me I am :( It's weird. But I am glad it's a 4-hour block. The class is cute, noisy and wonderful to be if I was part of them. Oh well, envy.

Can't say I push people away... I never even got close to them, maybe I just reverse my steps a lil bit and go back to where I've started. People I wish to get closer to, but already disappoints me somehow, birth of unwanted misunderstandings in both minds perhaps, that's how fate between two people ends I guess.

I am and hope to appear as sincere to people I meet, because I know that everyone in the world always hope to meet good people and be friends with them for eternity and beyond right? Haha. But I don't stick too close or talk too much because the other parties might not feel the same. Aiya this is a very complicated thing. Or. Maybe it's just my immature and childish thinking :(


Anyway. Met my Vivian a few days back. Glad to talk to her, because she kept me thinking. And together with Kokhoe too. Told her why I met her so little, but our friendship will stay no matter what. She is another one of a kind kind of friend. I cherish her :)

Same for Jiaxi. She always know what I am thinking and am always there. (because we same class or beside only LOL) And the few others.

Chu~ ♥ (Sandara Park hehe xoxo)

Ok since Guixiang says I should blog more often... I think I should! :>

Was doing school work at CBTL again, this time it's IIP aka internship RJ and resume. I had a résumé, but I think it's better to make use of the template they gave us, no? Am glad that YY is part of a management committee himself, and I'm able to consult him. Really blessed to have him not only as a lover, but also a friend to complain my day at school, incorrigible people, and other knots in my heart to. A mentor also maybe, but the rest of the times someone to irritate or vice versa. Hehe.

I have been a bad girl, missing 3 days of school. The first one has been said in the previous post (or previous previous?) , then the second one is because I attended The Grand Hollywood with YY and peeps, and the third one because YY off-ed my alarm! It will sure be a busy week to catch up with everything... Especially Wednesday, HRIS. I wish there will some sort if comfort on that day, other then the fact that WaiTing will be with me, but I doubt so... :(

Speaking of the Thai disco that I went, I actually experienced a few things, and regarding these few things, I'm really not surprised.

So this SG ask us to buys tequila shots, and a few of us patronize her of course, but she keep coming back, telling us how pathetic she is, how she has been chased away by customers, and how little the pay is. I just wanna tell her -- quit it. Quit complaining and just quit the job.

But I met a few Thai girls that are really good to us. Some people might say, "Of course lah, got money to earn then treat you good one." I beg to differ, sometimes you'll be able to see who's true and who's not.

Ok I shall end abruptly as this freaking china ns staff is pissing me off

At Greenwich CBTL now. It was peaceful here on a Sunday I came, and it was sooooo peaceful. but today, I hear too many voices even with my earpiece :/

And people rather risk their phone being stolen (Err, by me. Not that I steal, but she's risking) by putting their phone charging at the socket behind where I am sitting at, and she herself is sitting far far away. I mean if you see someone occupying the space with the socket you most probably will ask first (although it's a public thing) right? Grr. I am seriously just disgusted with citizens of my own country.

Another one will be the taxi uncle. I said 'Yio Chu Kang Rd, Greenwich', then he ask, 'Go drink ah?' Come on, where is the link? I said, annoyed, "No? There all restaurants what." He say, "Orh, I thought there always very bright, can drink one." Disgusted.

I mean it's really hard to have a positive outlook, for the people around you, for the strangers. Because most of them are either arrogant or they just think for themselves. Of course, sometimes I wonder whether they have been nice before, just that they experienced not getting a good treatment in return, so they give up hope on people. I hope I can continue to try and be nice to people, and always give a smile.

Did not go school today. Keep telling myself not to feel guilty because I really was not in the state for school, and I will make it up by studying hard for the lesson I miss. But I can't help it, because my parents lectured me, people appear disappointed and the what's nots.

Hate that I have two opposite sides of thoughts. Love that too. You see what I mean?
I love to say that, as a Gemini, this is why I always have two opposite feelings for a certain matter. For example, YY asked me yesterday while we are going back, 'Are you happy with the Halloween Event this year at USS?" I gave two answers, one is I am very happy and satisfied, and the other is that I don't like it. Like because I managed to enter all 3 haunted houses and went on all my favourite rides, it's all worth it, especially with YY and the other ns staff. I say that I don't like it because there was certain unhappiness in between, the waiting and everything which was very tiring, really. And sometimes when we wait, people just do not appreciate.

Maybe I should really be more neutral for things like that. Hate is not good.
NOH8.

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that.  That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years.  Or just not exist.  Or just not be aware that you do exist.  Or something like that.  I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.  That's why I'm trying not to think.  I just want it all to stop spinning. "

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

Okay, as I tweeted, I am going to blog! It makes me happy to know that people still blog nowadays, feel like got hope like that. Haha.

Currently feeling peaceful now, but hungry! Last meal was chicken rice with Jiaxi, Kokleong, Ellen and another classmate and 12 + like that... Shall eat cup noodles at YY's later! ^^

Lessons are getting tougher as days go by. I am a really serious student when it comes school work. But after last sem, I told myself not to get so tensed at discussions, but at the same time I only want my GPA to rise and not drop. I want my desired GPA, not because I want to enter a university but because... I want to prove to myself that I can do it? Don't feel like missing any more lessons. Quite sick of having to catch up with missed lessons every time. So many pre-readings nowadays, where got time? Now everyday filled with studies worries lor, sigh. Only thing to cheer me up is meeting up with my favourite people and SHOPPING! Shopping can really make me very happy! Hehe.

Suddenly overcome with stress now. Temperamental much. Shall think of the Korea trip in December... KOREA TRIP!!!

Toodles

Life's NOT GOOD today.
Today is Friday.
It's the first day of my Year 2, Semester 2.
I wake up at 8am.
Only get to rest now after going to StarHub.

But it's great I am in the same class as Jiaxi, my comforting partner, and get to meet my Charismatix except WaiTing just now.

Twitter really replaces Blogger nowadays ya? I miss blogging, writing down all my worries while the thoughts are running in my head.

I wonder how long this dead knot in my heart will untie. I am feeling so depressed every single day, so alone. Although everything seems perfect in my life now. I am just too paranoid to everything. I cannot trust, and I cannot bring myself to sympathize people, understand their feelings, stand in their shoes and keep hurtful words to myself.

I am not like that, this is not me.
Everyday I hope to become a better person, but I just do more things disappoint myself, and as days go by I just feel worse and worse.

Back to the school topic, I M REALLY ANGRY WITH EVERYTHING. The timetable -- 8am lesson every Monday and Friday. The most undesirable facilitator will be teaching me again. And lastly, all my classmates for 5 different days are different. Why? BUT WHY?! I miss my united Y2S1 classmates. But again, lucky I still have Jiaxi, and other friends like Charismatix, 7w, L2OP that will stay together and make the efforts to meet up. For that I am really thankful.

On the way back to SengKang to see how my YY is doing, poor man of mine, getting high fever and other shits :/

Assume nothing assume nothing assume nothing assume nothing assume nothing assume nothing assume nothing assume nothing

I hate this shit :(
I wanted to go school but my phone alarm didn't manage to wake me up, neither did 2 calls from Jiaxi and more notifications. Dafuq is wrong! So stressed now. Have to study harder for the next lesson. Feel like plucking my hair now argh! Why can't I wake up!!!

Summing it up with my instagram-ed face hee

Using the blogger app! Hee if it can do things that I want it to do I might be able to blog frequently after all! Since blogging was one of my super favorite past time ^^

At Thai Express with KL and Piak now. Table is empty because both went to ATM lmao.

Am sick with flu and sore throat yet I'm here to enjoy good food?!

Going to study later nevertheless. Missed one lesson of BPM today. Hate it :(
Hope I'll be able to catch up.
Life is becoming so stressful again because of studies.

Watching YY play Yakuza: Dead Souls. Being the admin assistant I am 'recognised' for and helping YY to search for walkthroughs. Hehe.

Today didn't fetch Kimi home because I was really tired and fell asleep at SK after meeting Kailin and baby Travis(who is a damn chubby and fat 4 months baby!!!) and YY said we will fetch her next week instead.
Kimi become so so naughty but she is still such a dear...

Year 2 Semester 1 had just started not long. Countdown of days 75 - 9 = 66 days of sem1 left! That is how I count for me it seems faster ^^

I have been working hard so far, getting very serious during every lesson. I hope to keep it this way but I hope that I do not look too serious that people find it hard to talk to me hahaha. My GPA has dropped to 3.2... Somehow I find it a goal to return to 3.4 although I wasn't really upset about it. I am still in top 10% of DBIS but I don't really feel happy. What's wrong with me ah.


I think that I am slowly just getting immune to my own feelings pushing them far back to my mind and randomly break down at some point where I am physically and when my thoughts run wild again.

I do not know what I am doing. This is definitely not something I should be handling. No one should deserve this.

Thank god for all the angels around me.


Should be getting my first tattoo in May :}
I am soooo excited! Like a child going on the first amusement ride.
Hehe nighty

Yes it's me hi

This is also me

The Moon moves into your Zodiacal house of relationships very early this morning, Gemini, and it's likely to cause troubles in negotiations, as well as creating some confusion between you and your partner. If you're very lucky, you'll have a way to avoid having to go it alone, because teamwork and cooperation is your key to success. Try not to fall for another's reasoning as to why they should be treated any differently from you; stand up for your rights, and do something to promote your self-interest.

Compatibility: Cancer
Mood: Demanding
Your Daily Lucky Color: Blue
Lucky Number: 18
Lucky Time of Day: 10am

What is this... 

My mood is indeed demanding now.

The last sentence in bold and italics so true.

At 10am I am sleeping...

Cancer zodiac... WHERE IS JOEY LIM?!?!! Hahahha

Ok I really need to release some stress I am going crazy over here. I have no more energy. Torturing, torturing, torturing. The sea is calm but do you know there's a big killer shark underneath that calm waters?!?!?!? You don't know! Because you only want to see what you can see on your little yacht and you don't care about me who was dragged into the deep waters by you and I swam before but my swimming isn't that good now the shark is chasing me and I barely escaped but still in the danger, and who know what is still lurking in the dark water. You do not want to save me at all. There is no one else around but only you can save me and you know you can do it but you prefer not to do so.

Survival is important but at this point I hope I drown. 

And never come back. 

A really cooling night it has been.
Kimi is sleeping on the ground right next to the sofa Im lying on.
How I much I love this little thing! Everyone in the family dotes on her so much and already pampered her too much...

My family has gone to sleep and here I am surrounded by silence and the occasional pop-up sound from Tweetdeck.
I am really lazy to tweet. Because of how I think everyone will judge.
When I tweet I guess that's the moment I do not care how people think? Actually most of the time I do not care... But what's with these few days hmmm

I am gonna find a job again, not at Night Safari. My one best friend haas been working there after me, and another is going to and interested to start work there. I would be glad to work there once again where I can be with my two best friends and boyfriend, what's so bad right? But it really is awkward if I have to work there again because I went back so often and all of them know me just a visitor now... I wouldn't like the feeling of going to work again there as a staff, yknow the feeling?



I had been living a really dependent life nowadays... It is time to change. I want to be independent. Times in life when you are losing things which you are dependent on, it feels so scary, and lonely and empty. That is the worst feeling I can ever get. Though now I don't think I will lose it again but I have to learn to be independent, no matter what's the case. I have to realise what I am capable of.

Since when I decided that I have to be capable? Well since things start pulling me down, making me feel as if I lose in every way possible compared to it. Let's call the thing that pull me down, 'it'.

Have you ever felt that being yourself is undesirable for others? And when you be yourself, it's wrong, it's not what people wanted. And when you ask what's wrong with being yourself, they'll say, There is nothing wrong, no one says that it's wrong. But deep down, you know they hope that you will be the way they want, because they know people like 'it' who are better in the ways that you can't be that strong at. And you know you wanna beat it, but you just wanna be yourself, and at the same time you want to prove that you have your own attractive points.

I do know that 'being myself' exclude not changing even though you know your bad points and bad habits, and I have been trying to change. I've got my bad habits of overusing tissue, overthink and over-consider things and thus doing them slower. I am not just a tad clumsy. And I do know those are not good points, but I have been like that for so many years of my life...

Who do not want to be loved for who you are, and hope that people take you for who you are?

Weak, I feel weak now, because I do not stand up well on my own.
I shut almost all of myself out from the outside world, distracting myself with books, pokemon, variety shows, dramas.
And that emptiness and shamefulness of myself still stays within me. How to say?
It's like Im in a well-designed room with all that furniture, all that colours, but there is no life in the room.

The Jiamin in me came by and drop in now and then... But it has been long since she appear, after she vanished not long ago.

Say me drama or what, this is my way of expressing my emotions I guess.

I am swallowed by the devil of the night again :/
I hate this so much

Can't say I am back to blogging but since I tweet so little nowdays I might as well blog.
People might stop by now and then, who knows.

Currently at Civic Centre's Starbucks reading The Lincoln Lawyer by Michael Connelly that already had a movie and YY and I watched it back then.
Shortcoming of a movie will be how much they miss out from the book itself.

The book might not be as interesting and shocking now since I remembered bits and pieces of the movie.


Picked up my items at post office that are from this blogshop, peeked at the contents and am mostly satisfied since I have not seen the bag I purchased yet.
And also posted out an item that was delivered wrongly from WID.



Why is Starbucks so heat up right now?! Or is it my laptop ever since it has got a cover?! YY told me ytd that having a cover will made the laptop hotter.



Reading since 4+pm and look at the time now woah
Back to reading my book toodles.

Life.
Precious, full of colours and adventurous, but really really torturous.

I know that we should cherish our life, for we have all the necessities to survive while some people really don't and that is what they ask for.
But different people live in different worlds, for the rich and the poor, old and the young, all of us have common troubles that not anyone in this universe would.


2012 -- New year, new life? It can be said as an excuse for one to push back all the negative things he/she had done for the year, and it also can be a form of comfort for those who had a bad year, who suffered.

For me, I really hoped that 2011 stays, for it might be the most peaceful year I ever had, till the end of it.

------------------------------------------------

I drafted out the above just few days ago.

Seriously 2012 has been really really chaotic and dramatic for me, and I hope it's over for good, peace will reign over my life.
I really cannot concentrate on my studies with so many things on my mind and with no appetite everyday, I need a normal and peaceful life like the one I had for the past 1 year... 7 months.
YY seriously brought peace, love and happiness to my life, making my life very fruitful for this past one year plus.
I really really love him so much...


Right now, I am feeling quite down again...
Seeing and hearing things that happened make me feel so ugly.
The feeling is like, I had insecurely felt that I am an okay girl, at least there are people who love me truly.
But right now, they destroys my confidence totally.
I feel like I am really very ugly, fat, crooked teeth, small eyes that need eyeliner to enlarge it, etc.
I feel like my personality is really detestful, I am not sociable, I am awkward. Socially awkward.
I really want invisalign, go for Slim Fit to fix my small boobs, do double eyelid surgery, go for extreme diet and disappear for awhile... Then it'll be perfect.


Tomorrow is another day of school, had not attended school for the past week, unless you count the Open House which I choose to go instead of school. Heh.

Can't wait to see my classmates and Soh Vivi again tomorrow. Ciaoz.

P.S. Good luck to Sim Aiai Gladys for her results tomorrow, I am so sure she'll do well. xo