23072014

Just had a deep conversation with da boy from a tiny topic that branches into something that we've both not confessed before. 

Sometimes I wonder, how do people define right and wrong, and how do we ignore people who disapproves us although we do know very well of what we're doing? How do we succeed with all the shit opinions people have of us? It's hard for someone like me, because not only do I want to feel good within myself, I crave to be understood for the intentions of my own doings. 

This is something I've been struggling with since the year started, or since the year 2013 was ending. But I guess I will slowly learn how to acknowledge but let go of words and thoughts of other people think, for those people might have long forgotten about the matter and I'm still fighting with myself silently. Or at least, allow one person in that will understand totally, then I wouldn't be alone anymore. Maybe I will even stop fighting, slowly. 

Done with hoops, gonna have a shiok shower and continue shopping for the Krabi trip!

22072014

Exercise diary: 

- 35min Air Climber stepping machine

- 30min of treadmill jogging

- 4 rounds X 25 reps of squats 

- 30min of hoops

Diet:

- Coffee + one slice of bread with kaya

- Blueberries + grapefruit juice 

- Yogurt + steamed corn cob + cherries

- 2 x wholemeal bread with peanut butter

Thank you mummy for painstakingly preparing them for me. 

Life feels so much better and more eager to look forward to when I'm leading a healthy and fitter life. Waking up to see a rosy and healthier looking bod in the mirror every morning, all the breathlessness and leg aches will be all worth it (sometimes the aches are even enjoyably shiok). 

Side note: can't wait for zoo trip with boy and Krabi trip with my family and boy!!! 

22072014

5th month with boy today. How fast was that? Haha to be honest it seemed really draggy and long at first, like oh, it's only the 2nd month. And now I'm thinking like, well 5 months is just 5, but almost half a year has gone by! (yeap I do understand the term 'long' means 10 years or more) Not only the times I spend tgt with Shermy, the year is ending real soon too, and it seemed only like yesterday that I have graduated. Missing RP and the own-pace-own-problem way of life. 

Maybe god (generically) took some things away and gave me some pain to take, only to allow me to meet someone beautiful, have better thoughts and more positive about life, because I've probably proved that I somehow deserved it? Not to say I was a perfect number 1 girlfriend in the whole wide world, but I was being really responsible and doing everything right. I didn't know what was wrong. But being an obedient, considerate and self-conscious girl giving everything might be the problem itself after all. 

Nevertheless, it was a whole lot of mess to clear up and out of my life -- also the biggest lesson I have learnt so far out of life. Currently, I'm still having the ups and downs (small or big) of life, learning and experiencing the cruel but amazing life (after turning 21st especially), understanding myself and relationships. 

Life with Shermy has been really wonderful I can say. Despite the recent quarrels last two months which have only positive effects aftermath; from him I've learnt to love myself more, look at myself in a different way. I've never ever define myself as pretty, not say beautiful even. I think that's because no other halves of mine have ever told me that. I've learnt to receive and not just give... It has been a while and it took me sometime to adapt to all the concern, care and attention I've been showered with (which was unbelievably one of the problems I had in this 5 months with boy)

I has been criticized for behaving the way I was before, thus having to watch my every step with everything I do or say. Now I finally found 'that' self back and I'm really really grateful that this boy love me no matter what ugly faces I pull, unglamourous things I have done (some are done purposely to put to test -- success), dreadful things I've said to him, and that black part of my heart that has been revealed to him. He never judged me, and by that I really mean never. Silly things like walking clumsily and almost falling down, he'll give me a fond look because that's how he love me -- me being myself. I'm not exactly skinny now myself (thus the workouts I've been starting) but he never once minded it and he will just say that I'm perfect and beautiful for every time I complained (and doing nothing) about my body as a reply. 

I mean, this kind of thing used to be quite bullshit to me because such things only happen in movies, storybooks, medieval times, my parents' times yadayadayada... But I'm experiencing it myself for real this time. We do quarrel over stuffs like jealousy, really differing opinions and never getting to agree with each other, and (me) having problems with the way he do some things -- of which I realise isn't a big issue and I can actually get used to and is able to accept, because that was how I wanted people to treat me in the first place. 

All in all, I understand that life will have sudden changes in certain points of life, and I will accept it if there is gonna be one between me and Shermy, no matter how bad it might get. But for now, I'll have faith -- that's what he always tells me, have faith. 

"Have faith and enjoy, that's how you can live the moment. I know that the future is unexpected, but what if you take a leap of faith and it might turn out good after all? I have trust and faith that we'll turn out well."

That's what he said to me, at least along that line. And I know I'm never gonna be happy if I don't try. 

Just a sudden rush of need for blogging, let's hope I'll be back tomorrow haha

21072014

Gonna just post a short one before I start out with the workout...

Have been thinking that I would have a happier and healthier life when I'm all slim and fit, not only can I fit into anything I want, I'll feel better mentally and physically as a whole. Other than exercising, controlling my diet, I've also been quitting things, habits that are harmful to me... I'm so glad I managed to quit both of them.

My social life is also an on-off thing because sometimes the only place that I am able to feel like myself, not feel like every one of my actions is being watched and judged, is at home and alone, doing, reading and watching stuffs that inspire me. I realised that once I walked out and meet people, it's about comparing how successful one is, the knowledge one has and what are the brands of material stuffs one has bought. Don't anyone think how meaningless that is? I do. It just stresses me out. Can't we just talk about nonsense and light stuffs that will just make everyone laugh heartily? I believe that I've given myself sufficient stress for me to move on at the right pace of life, and it's just quite an extra load to have to face that while socializing, and that being said is supposed to be a therapeutic thing.

School gonna start in September. Think I wouldn't have anymore free time after that, let alone go overseas for a vacation in that 3-4 years. So before going to Krabi with family and the boy, I just feel like going to Malaysia or like Bintan for a short getaway, and before the hectic life begins. Anyone on or not, who want to go with me? Hahaha

Worklife is great as usual, all those gossips with boy make everything better everyday, working with him, with the cheerful greetings and jokes by the aunties, but sometimes it's just hard to get along with some people, especially if they're all weird/inconsiderate/ill-mannered. Oh well.

Going to give my blog a fresh look soon. Hopefully to be done up by myself though, I'm an IT person mind you lol

15012014

Awesome. Leaving me so many shits to uncover. Now when I want to be angry and rage at you because of all these discovery, I can't. I can't retaliate to that no matter how it really upsets me because you wouldn't be happy, them too, and it will lead to much more unhappiness for myself. Then again, why did you left in the first place? I can't feel angry, just because you will not like it and it is so unfair because why does it mean that when you're gone we'll have to think of how you feel because you're the one that leave us hanging and it's us that are unable to do anything.

Im really unhappy and angry but at the end of the day I can only keep mum and be sad. I know it's ridiculous but I hope that in someone or another you'll see this. It's the best that you settle this yourself.

I thought it will be a whole new life since that day and this will just slowly fade away while I live my life, but no. Too naive of me. Slept and woke up thinking of the same thing. Im just glad that Im still standing like how I am and I did not stop moving. Im still sober and sane.

I hate you, so, so much. For what you did to me before you left, and even more for what you have in stall for me after you irresponsibly left silently.

31122013

Just sitting on bed, spending the last afternoon of the year with myself, with my mum's voice in the background while she is talking to my auntie on the phone. Gonna have a simple and good night with Aloy and Vi later on for the countdown at Khatib, I guess. These two dears standing by me all these while, giving me support, checking on me so often to ensure I am ok and making me laugh like crazy although there are some really stupid (haha) conflicts in between.

It's not the best year for me, no. I will not say it's the worst because I cannot guarantee life wouldn't give me anymore lemons, but this year sure is some real shit. It's also a year that will cause the biggest change in me. Change in my mindset, change in my faith, strength and beliefs.

The whole thing is still so surreal. Perhaps just a lil bit of that sinks into me once in awhile, whenever I thought of my daughters, realizing that I couldn't call them mine anymore and the reason why that is so will then be right in my mind, so clearly and vivid.

I don't know what to say anymore, maybe just that I really really miss you, I still see you everywhere and everything I see still reminds me of you. I still can smile and laugh like the Jiamin I am and I am still quite positive in life, but it will not be the same anymore. I'm scared to watch Running Man alone, I scrolled through Instagram photos of friends and their dogs hastily, I don't play those games anymore, I don't dare to open Viber and I avoid looking at chili crab cup noodles or CP wanton noodles when I'm in 7-11.

But I will be fine, I will. Actually I think I am. But the guilt will stay, because I know that I could have make a difference and the ending would have been so much better and things could be solved in a less messy way.

2014 is just tomorrow, it's just another day away. Going to start tomorrow by waking up, nua a bit, then work.
Things I think I will look forward to for the following -- finishing FYP, graduation, graduation trip, getting a fixed job, my 21st birthday (and all my other babies'), have a healthier lifestyle and better figure. I'm sure that are more things in store for me, be it tears or joy.
I'm really thankful for everyone in my life -- my family, angels, 7w, dada and xixi, l2op, sidetrack, my boys the 'slaves' etc. Please continue to stay, and bear with me x



Just a quick recap of the some of things I did in the year with the people I am glad that are still in or entered my life, and also some that left... And of course some selfies yknow haha

That was the happiest trip I had with you, though I might not be the only one in your heart and that point. Thank you for everything that you gave that made me who I am.