28112014

 I guess that when certain kind of situations happened to you for quite a few times, you'll panic, you'll feel the same negative emotions, you'll be helpless, but somehow you'll also know that the whole thing will be done and settled with one day, and the rainbow is forever there, it's just how you can make it visible to you. 

Exams are next week, I'm barely making it through. These three months make me feel the dumbest I've ever felt in my life, but I've also learnt quite a bit, and I'm thankful that at least I'm gaining interest although the workload and difficulty level (to me) are really ridiculous sometimes and I am just like fml, why am I even doing this, why did I even chose this route. But end of the day again, I know the real reason, and speaking of that I realise that I actually have a goal, having a direction and that really makes me feel much better. 

People in school are really good to me, I'm thankful for all the craziness and laughters and gossips but oh god the drama that existed in there really awes me like I don't even get that kind of dramas floating around in school when I was in primary school or my partial secondary school life. But all's good, everyone has the evil tongue now and then but all of them have soft and kind hearts. Which I really find so awwwwwww. 

There's some annoying people with no sense of empathy and sensitivity towards others. Smart but talk with no brains. The irony. 

Thank god for my didi, hu0xing ge, kaikai and the market bunch so I don't have to hold my complaints back when I get angsty or in desperate mode, and I can say whatever shit I want which varies depending on the 63754865 moods we're put into everyday lololol and they'll entertain me. 

And lastly, my pillar of support, my boy. We have been missing each other so much, can't even have much quality time together. The December holidays are so yearned for, and it's definitely not enough for me but I'm so so thankful for it. Had my own exam prep kit today which I'm really all smiley about today, which was specially prepared by my fisherman. *beams* He brought it up personally and didn't want to let me know what is it. How sweet right? I mean who else, which guy does this for their girls nowadays? He brings out the best in me and I've never been a more positive person before I met him. Had a slight rough patch with coping with the sudden changes in lifestyle, and I'm glad it made us both better people. I always reminisce about how we play wrestling together and laugh at weird people we see (yeap I know don't say me) and always creating inside jokes that make me tear and my stomach pain . You're really the best, boy. 

Gonna get a good sleep and tomorrow is really gonna be my full blast, full effort, full energy studying. Jiayou jiajia. And to the kids (we're forever kiddies in our own hearts) taking exams soon, add many many oilllll

22102014

Firstly, a happy 22nd October which marked the 8th month for me and Shermy for being together. Perhaps not a happy-everyday kind of 8 months, but till today I am still glad that I have him in my life. Being a really self-conscious and on-off negative person, having someone like Shermy who reminds me every now and then of how treasured and how not worthless I thought of myself that I am, really means a lot to me and changed my attitude towards life a lot.

And FINALLY SAW SOH VIVI TODAY. Makes my day a lot, missing this girl so much.

Came here to clear my mind off stuffs... Can't proceed to studying. Is it because I am gonna be studying Maths? Haha discrete mathematics is like killing me with all that logic. Thank god I got a C+ for my first test. By right I actually need to work much harder for the upcoming test on next Friday that's why I am so pek cek now because it seems like my mind can't settle down and start attacking the nots. Maybe I should move on to another mod first before moving back to maths. Oh well.

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I make jokes. Because who doesn't like making people laugh and also making ourselves slightly happier at the moment, at the same time? I can take jokes to a certain extent, quite a large extent so as to say. But please, do not take that as an advantage and start sprouting nonsense just for the sake of a joke and think about what you are saying for that moment. Especially if it is not even funny in the first place. If you have to make fun of me to say the joke, yeah go ahead, DO NOT drag anyone else in my life in for that little meaningless joke you're making.

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I need to do something more meaningful because I know that doing meaningful things makes me happier. Like exercising, sweating it all out and feeling good about myself and my body afterwards. Like completing schoolwork and feel free of tasks and assignments on my hand (well this is why I am feeling bad now). And like doing good things, good deeds, being good to people and not ask for anything in return. How many times can we truly do that -- treat people well without any other thoughts or certain motives? Not even like, "Ok I've been gossiping about people quite a lot nowadays, it's time to pay back those karma points." or "I better start treating people well so that I will get nice treatment from other people." Disclaimer: I don't treat people badly! (a bit straightforward sometimes but nope I don't think I am bad) Just that if you think this way before doing a good deed, it's like a hidden motive isn't it? This makes me wonder what is it like to be truly sincere towards other people, and the only way should be... Not thinking about this question at all I guess? Since if we start thinking it means we're thinking of reasons and it would not be coming from the bottom of our hearts. Don't know if what I've said make sense at all lololol

Tests on next Tuesday and Friday. Was so traumatized by the weekly non-stop tests since week 3 of school but I think now I am quite adapted to this style, thank god. Hopefully after this post I'll be fully concentrated on what I have to do. I NEED MORE POSITIVE VIBES

If the saying is true that we should stay away from people who make you feel negative about yourself, should I?

Or... this other quote that I just saw,

"Once you learn how to be happy, you won't tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less."

I must constantly remind myself that those we do not need to care about those that doesn't matter. And also that people judges us lesser than we think.

So thankful for Shermy and the fam. Letting me know that I am not alone, always.

02092014

In the train now, on the way to Jurong East MRT, today is my 2nd day starting at Singapore Institute of Technology. 

Can't say things are going well, and it's too early to say that things are messed up, but I'm just not in a very relaxed state. Before I wake up properly at 6.20am, I woke up thrice involuntarily at 2+am, 4+am, and at 5.50am wtf. Guess it's a result of all the planning and thoughts runningin my head, thinking of ways to adapt to school since 6pm which was ever since I reached home. Took about 45min nap without feeling rested. 

Yesterday started off okay because school was in the afternoon, met some coursemates for lunch and celebrated a birthday (Happy Birthday once again Jinyu!). Reached school just in time for the lecture and because I did not turn up for Day Zero due to going Krabi with the family (no regrets), I've lagged behind in knowing the locations of lectures/tutorials/labs. 

Well, one of the first things we heard in the lecture was "This is the start of your very tough and difficult journey." So motivating. 2nd thing we've heard might be, "You're currently in a module that you should have exempted but didn't." It pissed me off somehow because we were told that if there was more than certain percentage of the modules' description that we find unfamiliar/did not learn before, we should take that module. And now suddenly we're accused of being 'scared' and being mocked at in some ways because we'll be learning the same stuffs in other modules. And what's more with the emphasis of 'all of us' having been in an IT-related diploma and we should know this, we should know that, when not ALL of us were in an IT-related dip, and even if we were, the amount of IT knowledge we were given varies. 

We registered a module to learn stuffs we know we do not know and why is it that we should know the stuffs which of course are chicken feet for you?

😤

This angst has been accumulated with unpleasant experiences regarding admin, module selection and Welcome Ceremony matters. So a first day like that definitely leave me not pleased at all. Truth to be told, I'm really quite worrier about myself. 

Hope things will get better which I believe it will smooth out in time to come. Told boy I'll work hard for 21 days and it will become a habit (somewhere/someone said 21 days of doing anything will make it a habit) and things will get easier in weeks and months. 

Gonna get through today, have a rest and have some normal relaxed life with Shermy before I go to work, which I believe I'll find more comfort from lol. Tomorrow's another long day though. Glad to have taken only 4 modules this trimester to get use to all these hectic changes in my life. 

Morning rants lol btw LIFE WAS GOOD AT KRABI LAST WEEK WITH MY LOVED ONES hehe bye gonna meet the course mates

23072014

Just had a deep conversation with da boy from a tiny topic that branches into something that we've both not confessed before. 

Sometimes I wonder, how do people define right and wrong, and how do we ignore people who disapproves us although we do know very well of what we're doing? How do we succeed with all the shit opinions people have of us? It's hard for someone like me, because not only do I want to feel good within myself, I crave to be understood for the intentions of my own doings. 

This is something I've been struggling with since the year started, or since the year 2013 was ending. But I guess I will slowly learn how to acknowledge but let go of words and thoughts of other people think, for those people might have long forgotten about the matter and I'm still fighting with myself silently. Or at least, allow one person in that will understand totally, then I wouldn't be alone anymore. Maybe I will even stop fighting, slowly. 

Done with hoops, gonna have a shiok shower and continue shopping for the Krabi trip!

22072014

Exercise diary: 

- 35min Air Climber stepping machine

- 30min of treadmill jogging

- 4 rounds X 25 reps of squats 

- 30min of hoops

Diet:

- Coffee + one slice of bread with kaya

- Blueberries + grapefruit juice 

- Yogurt + steamed corn cob + cherries

- 2 x wholemeal bread with peanut butter

Thank you mummy for painstakingly preparing them for me. 

Life feels so much better and more eager to look forward to when I'm leading a healthy and fitter life. Waking up to see a rosy and healthier looking bod in the mirror every morning, all the breathlessness and leg aches will be all worth it (sometimes the aches are even enjoyably shiok). 

Side note: can't wait for zoo trip with boy and Krabi trip with my family and boy!!! 

22072014

5th month with boy today. How fast was that? Haha to be honest it seemed really draggy and long at first, like oh, it's only the 2nd month. And now I'm thinking like, well 5 months is just 5, but almost half a year has gone by! (yeap I do understand the term 'long' means 10 years or more) Not only the times I spend tgt with Shermy, the year is ending real soon too, and it seemed only like yesterday that I have graduated. Missing RP and the own-pace-own-problem way of life. 

Maybe god (generically) took some things away and gave me some pain to take, only to allow me to meet someone beautiful, have better thoughts and more positive about life, because I've probably proved that I somehow deserved it? Not to say I was a perfect number 1 girlfriend in the whole wide world, but I was being really responsible and doing everything right. I didn't know what was wrong. But being an obedient, considerate and self-conscious girl giving everything might be the problem itself after all. 

Nevertheless, it was a whole lot of mess to clear up and out of my life -- also the biggest lesson I have learnt so far out of life. Currently, I'm still having the ups and downs (small or big) of life, learning and experiencing the cruel but amazing life (after turning 21st especially), understanding myself and relationships. 

Life with Shermy has been really wonderful I can say. Despite the recent quarrels last two months which have only positive effects aftermath; from him I've learnt to love myself more, look at myself in a different way. I've never ever define myself as pretty, not say beautiful even. I think that's because no other halves of mine have ever told me that. I've learnt to receive and not just give... It has been a while and it took me sometime to adapt to all the concern, care and attention I've been showered with (which was unbelievably one of the problems I had in this 5 months with boy)

I has been criticized for behaving the way I was before, thus having to watch my every step with everything I do or say. Now I finally found 'that' self back and I'm really really grateful that this boy love me no matter what ugly faces I pull, unglamourous things I have done (some are done purposely to put to test -- success), dreadful things I've said to him, and that black part of my heart that has been revealed to him. He never judged me, and by that I really mean never. Silly things like walking clumsily and almost falling down, he'll give me a fond look because that's how he love me -- me being myself. I'm not exactly skinny now myself (thus the workouts I've been starting) but he never once minded it and he will just say that I'm perfect and beautiful for every time I complained (and doing nothing) about my body as a reply. 

I mean, this kind of thing used to be quite bullshit to me because such things only happen in movies, storybooks, medieval times, my parents' times yadayadayada... But I'm experiencing it myself for real this time. We do quarrel over stuffs like jealousy, really differing opinions and never getting to agree with each other, and (me) having problems with the way he do some things -- of which I realise isn't a big issue and I can actually get used to and is able to accept, because that was how I wanted people to treat me in the first place. 

All in all, I understand that life will have sudden changes in certain points of life, and I will accept it if there is gonna be one between me and Shermy, no matter how bad it might get. But for now, I'll have faith -- that's what he always tells me, have faith. 

"Have faith and enjoy, that's how you can live the moment. I know that the future is unexpected, but what if you take a leap of faith and it might turn out good after all? I have trust and faith that we'll turn out well."

That's what he said to me, at least along that line. And I know I'm never gonna be happy if I don't try. 

Just a sudden rush of need for blogging, let's hope I'll be back tomorrow haha

21072014

Gonna just post a short one before I start out with the workout...

Have been thinking that I would have a happier and healthier life when I'm all slim and fit, not only can I fit into anything I want, I'll feel better mentally and physically as a whole. Other than exercising, controlling my diet, I've also been quitting things, habits that are harmful to me... I'm so glad I managed to quit both of them.

My social life is also an on-off thing because sometimes the only place that I am able to feel like myself, not feel like every one of my actions is being watched and judged, is at home and alone, doing, reading and watching stuffs that inspire me. I realised that once I walked out and meet people, it's about comparing how successful one is, the knowledge one has and what are the brands of material stuffs one has bought. Don't anyone think how meaningless that is? I do. It just stresses me out. Can't we just talk about nonsense and light stuffs that will just make everyone laugh heartily? I believe that I've given myself sufficient stress for me to move on at the right pace of life, and it's just quite an extra load to have to face that while socializing, and that being said is supposed to be a therapeutic thing.

School gonna start in September. Think I wouldn't have anymore free time after that, let alone go overseas for a vacation in that 3-4 years. So before going to Krabi with family and the boy, I just feel like going to Malaysia or like Bintan for a short getaway, and before the hectic life begins. Anyone on or not, who want to go with me? Hahaha

Worklife is great as usual, all those gossips with boy make everything better everyday, working with him, with the cheerful greetings and jokes by the aunties, but sometimes it's just hard to get along with some people, especially if they're all weird/inconsiderate/ill-mannered. Oh well.

Going to give my blog a fresh look soon. Hopefully to be done up by myself though, I'm an IT person mind you lol

15012014

Awesome. Leaving me so many shits to uncover. Now when I want to be angry and rage at you because of all these discovery, I can't. I can't retaliate to that no matter how it really upsets me because you wouldn't be happy, them too, and it will lead to much more unhappiness for myself. Then again, why did you left in the first place? I can't feel angry, just because you will not like it and it is so unfair because why does it mean that when you're gone we'll have to think of how you feel because you're the one that leave us hanging and it's us that are unable to do anything.

Im really unhappy and angry but at the end of the day I can only keep mum and be sad. I know it's ridiculous but I hope that in someone or another you'll see this. It's the best that you settle this yourself.

I thought it will be a whole new life since that day and this will just slowly fade away while I live my life, but no. Too naive of me. Slept and woke up thinking of the same thing. Im just glad that Im still standing like how I am and I did not stop moving. Im still sober and sane.

I hate you, so, so much. For what you did to me before you left, and even more for what you have in stall for me after you irresponsibly left silently.