31122013

Just sitting on bed, spending the last afternoon of the year with myself, with my mum's voice in the background while she is talking to my auntie on the phone. Gonna have a simple and good night with Aloy and Vi later on for the countdown at Khatib, I guess. These two dears standing by me all these while, giving me support, checking on me so often to ensure I am ok and making me laugh like crazy although there are some really stupid (haha) conflicts in between.

It's not the best year for me, no. I will not say it's the worst because I cannot guarantee life wouldn't give me anymore lemons, but this year sure is some real shit. It's also a year that will cause the biggest change in me. Change in my mindset, change in my faith, strength and beliefs.

The whole thing is still so surreal. Perhaps just a lil bit of that sinks into me once in awhile, whenever I thought of my daughters, realizing that I couldn't call them mine anymore and the reason why that is so will then be right in my mind, so clearly and vivid.

I don't know what to say anymore, maybe just that I really really miss you, I still see you everywhere and everything I see still reminds me of you. I still can smile and laugh like the Jiamin I am and I am still quite positive in life, but it will not be the same anymore. I'm scared to watch Running Man alone, I scrolled through Instagram photos of friends and their dogs hastily, I don't play those games anymore, I don't dare to open Viber and I avoid looking at chili crab cup noodles or CP wanton noodles when I'm in 7-11.

But I will be fine, I will. Actually I think I am. But the guilt will stay, because I know that I could have make a difference and the ending would have been so much better and things could be solved in a less messy way.

2014 is just tomorrow, it's just another day away. Going to start tomorrow by waking up, nua a bit, then work.
Things I think I will look forward to for the following -- finishing FYP, graduation, graduation trip, getting a fixed job, my 21st birthday (and all my other babies'), have a healthier lifestyle and better figure. I'm sure that are more things in store for me, be it tears or joy.
I'm really thankful for everyone in my life -- my family, angels, 7w, dada and xixi, l2op, sidetrack, my boys the 'slaves' etc. Please continue to stay, and bear with me x



Just a quick recap of the some of things I did in the year with the people I am glad that are still in or entered my life, and also some that left... And of course some selfies yknow haha

That was the happiest trip I had with you, though I might not be the only one in your heart and that point. Thank you for everything that you gave that made me who I am.

11122013

I never left because I don't love you anymore. I had chosen the choice because it is the last resort at the stage of our relationship, and I thought it will do us both good. But I was wrong.

Having hallucinations that passers-by are you, seeing you at the corner of my eye. Hearing someone talking to me when it's just quiet and there are only background noises. How further I will break down, I don't know. I really wanna be strong but the thought of any thing that we have done together before will make my heart sink a little, tear a little.

Seeing a random Hong Kong movie actor, I will think of the movies and actors that you introduced to me and told me stories of. Seeing a book will remind me of the authors you once told me you like and how much you like crime stories. Doing my codes will make me think of how you pretend you know it all and 'teach' me. Seeing someone wearing a red and blue graphic shirt will remind me of the shirt I bought for you in Aussie, and the red couple t-shirts I bought for you in our first year and how you will wear them days from the day you received them, no matter how it is not your style. Even just by sitting on the bus, those memories of you being excited just because you're having a bus ride because you normally take taxis, flood my mind.

Just tell me what to do. I hate you so much, you're so selfish. I don't know why when you love me so much you have to do this to me, making me bear all the guilt and live with the sadness for at least the next few months, years, and they might not even fade off.

My life is officially overturned by you. Thanks?