I asked my mum , Am I a failure ?
She says , You asked me alot of time before . I think you should reflect yourself and get the answer .

The question to myself : Am I a failure ?
My answer to myself : Yes , totally .

I couldnt think of the good things I have done in 2008 . No one could too .

I aint a good daughter . I make my parents worry about me every single day . Whenever I cry , I screamed in my room , they will be upset . When they tried to talk to me when I was in a fucking bad mood , I screamed back at them .

Without my parents , where will I be now ? Nowhere . But sometimes I wish I wasnt anywhere else . I dont wanna go anywhere . Feelings , hatred , LOVE . I dont feel like getting either of them .

I am not a good friend . Where am I when my friends need me ? Where am I when I promised my friends I will be there ? Or just a simple promise . I break them all . Im seriously NOT a good friend , or even worth being a friend because , I dont have the rights to be one . No no NO Im not being emotional , it's just words that I held for very long in my heart . Whenever I have someone else that I love more , I will neglect my friends . Who taught me that ? I dont know ! What makes me become the arrogant and ignorant me today ?

Lastly , I am not a good girlfriend . I initiated many small quarrels that aint worth quarrelling over . When my boyfriend is trying his best to change , Im the one that ignores the effort . I thought everything wasnt good enough , I was trying to imagine the perfect love and apply it on my relationship and life when I neglect the fact that there's limited actions one can do . When Im the victim in the relationship , all I do is cry , cry , cry , pitying on myself , blaming on others . Did I ever give it a serious , long thought ? No . Everything I do , I will be thinking , everything will be alright , I will get the attention , care and concern that I yearn for . Yet there's some thinking I did not do , if things are alright for me , will things be alright for him ? How will he feel ? Will he be hurt ? Maybe there's this phrase that's always in my mind , since I dont know when : Humans are selfish . I was thinking , humans are selfish and I should be too . Why should I be selfless and let myself being drowned in the society of inhumans ? I do not have a peace of mind . Everyday Im worrying . When people thought out solutions for me , I dread to try them out . Ok , how to put it ? Whenever people show attention to me , I immediately transform into a very dua pai da xiao jie . I dont fucking know why , and for all these many reasons , I seriously hate myself . What have I turned into all this years ? At times , I totally think he is inhuman . At other times like now , he's totally angelic to me . I cant harbour the thoughts of losing him . There's this kind of thing there that mess up all my feelings totally . And now I ask myself , what did I do as a girlfriend ? Throwing tantrums ? Initiating quarrels ? Ignoring his feelings . Like what I've always said , a relationship is a two-people thing . It's time to cool down and not think so childishly . After all this , I dont think I've matured afterall .

I am seriously sorry for everything I have done to anyone that hurts you , makes you angry , makes you sad , makes you unhappy with me and have negative reactions on you . Mainly my family and boyfriend . I might be this immature and incorrigible ? I dont know what's that word or is that even a word but sounds right for someone like me nowwww . Yeah , I might be like my evil self now , but who really knows that they are really people I love so much that I could die ? Die as in ... If they are leaving , I would have died . Or something worse . They are people that really means fucking alot to me .

What is the point of typing all this down ? Because there's totally no one I could talk to now . And I will feel guilty talking to anyone . I feel that my boyfriend is my closest friend to me , but he seems so far away now . I seriously am sorry for everything . Hope it's not too late . I feel as if the whole world around me is going on too fast . Everything that happen to my friends , I will be the last one to know and Im not surprised because we're all not that close anymore .

I feel so pathetic and sorry for myself today . I tried to gain some confidence but fail immediately .

I love all my loved ones ):

And I really am very very very very very very very sorry .
There's nothing I could do to make me forgive myself .