Had never been special in my own ways.
Had never had the best time of my life.
Had never been getting high and crazy with my friends.
I really wonder what happen to my life and since when it went wrong.
I've been complaining about my life being boring and plain since alot of years ago.
Now I find life too complicated.
I did too many things wrong, I wonder how god arrange my fate to be, what's my karma.

Is it a disastrous heartbreak?
A loss of loved one?
A mishap?
Complication in friendships?

Im very vulnerable, I dont think I can take anything well that's coming my way. But I think I should, I should get what I deserve, I feel damn wrong. Sometimes I wish the world wouldnt treat me so well. The better Im treated, the worse I become. It's a trait of me to take things for granted. It's not anyone elses fault. I pushed the blame to everyone because it will make me better. I have been consoling and telling myself that Im not wrong everytime, yet, Im not abit innocent in any of the cases.

Im a Gemini. And Im an evil Gemini. 2 faced huh? Admit. There's really a me that I discovered lately. So cruel and inhumane. Who am I?

Sometimes I just wanna be sorry and apologise for everything I did. But I just felt that it's useless. There are many what-ifs. What if they dont forgive me? What if we're not friends anymore? What if more people are dragged in? What if, what if, what if.

I've become such a coward. Where's the me that is once not abit scared even if a knife is point at me?

Im so scared of everything now. Im scared of sounds, Im scared of insects even butterflies, Im scared of death. I feel that I've so much things to do. I have so much to repay my parents.

Everytime I think, I dont put them into words neither do I put them into actions. I seriously fucking want to get my hands and eyes on those books. But I just cant seem to move my them. My room is in such a mess, and a messy room already make my mood even worse.

I want you to go, but I cant bear to let you go, and Im afraid I will regret if I let you go. Everything is two-ways for me. I might feel happy, I might feel upset. I might become better, I might become worse.

Im selfish. And I cant seem to change this anymore. What had caused me to not think for others anymore?




I dont know............................. Im so at loss, I feel a sense of loneliness, comfortable loneliness, I miss my past, I want to live in it, I do not want to move on.


What is the extent of me sucking?