31122013

Just sitting on bed, spending the last afternoon of the year with myself, with my mum's voice in the background while she is talking to my auntie on the phone. Gonna have a simple and good night with Aloy and Vi later on for the countdown at Khatib, I guess. These two dears standing by me all these while, giving me support, checking on me so often to ensure I am ok and making me laugh like crazy although there are some really stupid (haha) conflicts in between.

It's not the best year for me, no. I will not say it's the worst because I cannot guarantee life wouldn't give me anymore lemons, but this year sure is some real shit. It's also a year that will cause the biggest change in me. Change in my mindset, change in my faith, strength and beliefs.

The whole thing is still so surreal. Perhaps just a lil bit of that sinks into me once in awhile, whenever I thought of my daughters, realizing that I couldn't call them mine anymore and the reason why that is so will then be right in my mind, so clearly and vivid.

I don't know what to say anymore, maybe just that I really really miss you, I still see you everywhere and everything I see still reminds me of you. I still can smile and laugh like the Jiamin I am and I am still quite positive in life, but it will not be the same anymore. I'm scared to watch Running Man alone, I scrolled through Instagram photos of friends and their dogs hastily, I don't play those games anymore, I don't dare to open Viber and I avoid looking at chili crab cup noodles or CP wanton noodles when I'm in 7-11.

But I will be fine, I will. Actually I think I am. But the guilt will stay, because I know that I could have make a difference and the ending would have been so much better and things could be solved in a less messy way.

2014 is just tomorrow, it's just another day away. Going to start tomorrow by waking up, nua a bit, then work.
Things I think I will look forward to for the following -- finishing FYP, graduation, graduation trip, getting a fixed job, my 21st birthday (and all my other babies'), have a healthier lifestyle and better figure. I'm sure that are more things in store for me, be it tears or joy.
I'm really thankful for everyone in my life -- my family, angels, 7w, dada and xixi, l2op, sidetrack, my boys the 'slaves' etc. Please continue to stay, and bear with me x



Just a quick recap of the some of things I did in the year with the people I am glad that are still in or entered my life, and also some that left... And of course some selfies yknow haha

That was the happiest trip I had with you, though I might not be the only one in your heart and that point. Thank you for everything that you gave that made me who I am.

11122013

I never left because I don't love you anymore. I had chosen the choice because it is the last resort at the stage of our relationship, and I thought it will do us both good. But I was wrong.

Having hallucinations that passers-by are you, seeing you at the corner of my eye. Hearing someone talking to me when it's just quiet and there are only background noises. How further I will break down, I don't know. I really wanna be strong but the thought of any thing that we have done together before will make my heart sink a little, tear a little.

Seeing a random Hong Kong movie actor, I will think of the movies and actors that you introduced to me and told me stories of. Seeing a book will remind me of the authors you once told me you like and how much you like crime stories. Doing my codes will make me think of how you pretend you know it all and 'teach' me. Seeing someone wearing a red and blue graphic shirt will remind me of the shirt I bought for you in Aussie, and the red couple t-shirts I bought for you in our first year and how you will wear them days from the day you received them, no matter how it is not your style. Even just by sitting on the bus, those memories of you being excited just because you're having a bus ride because you normally take taxis, flood my mind.

Just tell me what to do. I hate you so much, you're so selfish. I don't know why when you love me so much you have to do this to me, making me bear all the guilt and live with the sadness for at least the next few months, years, and they might not even fade off.

My life is officially overturned by you. Thanks?

10122013

很痛很痛。有人把你的照片放上网，看到了，就像几把剑插进我的心，那个痛就一直留在那里，不里它也不行。我想睡… 我不想起来。要醒来我就要看到你。为什么你可以这样子，说走就走？你可以对我公平点吗？像我这样的情绪，你要我怎样处理？我问这样多也没有用，我懂你始终不能回复我。

我想我只能当作你还是在的。在我身旁看着我，守护我，看着我睡。我只能这样。

10122013

Do you feel better? Just not long ago, I was the one feeling better, who felt all motivated to move to the next step of my life. You won in the end, like how you always did. But do you feel the way you wanted now? If it does, it's a closure for you. If it does, it's a closure for me too. Can you tell me you are well? Can you just tell me in one way or another? A dream, an appearance, I don't care. Just tell me, would you?

Listening to 爱到底 and 心跳，two songs (out of the many many) you used to sing, and songs you sing that really make me fall in love. Remember the days we sing at Cineleisure's Kbox till 6am in the morning? Remember those times we went for late night suppers after our movies and k-sessions? You don't know how you're making my heart break right now. I hope I will be sane enough, at least to complete my last semester of studies. After that, I have a few months to go crazy. Why are you doing this now? Why are you so selfish?

Do you know the amount of goodness you have? I might have make it sound like I can find someone better, but no. You're the one with the talents, with the wide amount of general knowledge to teach this little girl that knows less than a quarter of what's in the world, knows how to cook and will deliver it to bed for me, iron clothes to prepare for my work, sing songs dedicated to me, and best of all, make me laugh and make me smile the truest when my day was screwed. Who will do all this to and for me now? Do you know that you're able to find a girl with better personality, better looks and figures, and someone who can communicate and understand you completely?

I really want you to just appear in front of me. I want someone to tell me that this is not real. This is slowly sinking in, I know I have been strong for today, and I hope I can be tomorrow, but I am never sure. I want to be strong for me and loved ones.

Do you know how big this impact is on me now? Do you know? Can you see me now? Please, I just wanna lose all these memories, it's breaking me slowly...

09122013

I just wanna sleep and sleep and sleep. Stay in and only keep in touch with the close ones.

I hate you. Why do you leave us behind, leave us hanging, leave us upset. Now you're gone, even when I've things to tell you now, how are you supposed to listen to them.

I don't know what to feel anymore and what to do with these days in my life. Part of that push to move on in life is gone.

05112013

Time for a new post aye...

 So far school is fine, lovely classmates and all. Facilitators ensures we learn, modules are interesting, normal darlings in school are around and make me laugh till my eyes turn into a line... I will definitely make the last lap in RP worthwhile x

No matter how much ridiculous and undeserving stuff happen to me, I know I am not in the worst state, though no one can stand in no one shoes exactly and precisely, pain is still pain. But all I know all along is that, if something is taken from you, good and maybe better things will come into the picture. We have no choice though. But that's what we have to live through...

 As I've said -- it's the last semester in RP. Still thinking of where to go after this... Never know I will come to this certain day and I'll have the chance to even think about it. Have somewhere in mind where I want to go, what I wanna do that will allow me to have stable income and also feeling that life is not wasted at the same time. Yeap, there are such things it's just whether I work hard enough to make them come true.

So many things to say but it's okay, at this stage,I should learn to take everything the hard way, and be prepared. I guess I was prepared all you can say, or can I say that's how numbness feels like?


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