Time for some self-confrontation. I dont know how to phrase my feelings in words becuz I dont know how to describe them either. So I shall see how I will say this out. Maybe this is also a summary of how I become me now.
Know what? Sucks to be me. Not that sucks to be me to have this have that. Everything I have, I think it made me very fortunate. It's the thing about being Ong Jia Min, being myself, having the personality I have and the attitude I carry.
I dont recall myself back when I was in Sec1 & 2, becuz I bet that was the most innocent and happy times of my life, in school fooling around with my pals back then, JiaEn and LiTing. And the times at Chinese Dance with Aiai, Xinting, Jiayee and everyone you know who you are, those are the happiest time of my life. As in purely happy, no troubles that we have to headache like the things we have to now. We have conflicts and everything and trust issues, but those were really nothing, we the friends knew that we love each other. Then we had those puppy love in those 2 years. Was so naive and get fooled and actually finally understand it like maybe last year only hahaha.
Then life turn hectic with me quitting school. I should have continued, but I wouldnt have went back if I can choose. Well which I can actually. I switch school and went to Northland Sec for 2 pathetic days lol cant adjust and started being lifeless, finding job, working few days/weeks and no more. And then I become very very close with who is it but my Sim Aiai now. See if I didnt quit school I wont have the chance to have my best friend I have now I bet. Hung out with Woodgrove Sec bunch played bi xian lol. After that cliqued with Alvin, Nengtong, Jianing, Edwin, Tanleelee, Gerald, Wensheng, Yuenhe, JasonTan etc. Was wild man and had quarrels and cold war with parents. Was an unfilial arrogant kid. Had those ups and downs and who but Sim was there with me.
I had alot of crazy fun during this period but I was nothing but an aimless person while others are studying with a purpose. I confidently said it's ok to go without having O's cert. Who say one cant live without it. (which in actualy fact for a person like me I need it, not like Yingxuan and Qijie, who are working hard in diff direction for their future) And then I went to this manicure lesson and quitted after a day becuz the coach suck becuz she didnt look at me a second for the whole lesson from morning to evening lol. Troubled Mr Raja, rss school cousellor alot. Friends encouraged. So decided to go back rss study Sec 3. They let me becuz I passed Sec 2 EOY exam. But again, went like a week or so then no more. Everyone was being so friendly! Welcoming back and all. Me disappointed them though. I really cant cope it's like I have this phobia of schooling and cry almost every morning dont want go school. Like kid right? Right.
Then after that I got into a really bad relationship and another bad friendship. 'Nuff said. It was a waste of time for me. Is like all the influence of what we should be. I began to get disappointed really often, trust got betrayed, got really hurt, and then really exhausted of it time and time again. For 2 straight years. Somewhere in between, reconnected much with Xinting, and god I love her she is always lending her listening ear and we'll go to places! Took private lessons at BMC Admiralty (I got to know Lorencia :) ), didnt pass all 5 subjects for O lvls 2009 cuz I didnt concentrate. I got all procrastinating. It felt really bad to receive the sms in the morning with myself alone at home no one being there for me, directly saying that I didnt get into any poly. Wanted to try higher nitec, course that I wanted no more space. Reallyregretted never study earlier. Yeah yeah typical. No choice but to retake O's. One subject fail only, it's freaking comb science, and I got D7 which means with 1-5 marks then I freaking pass already then can at least go RP. Damn feel unfair.
Then it was this year. Worked in Bakerzin for 2 months. After that fucked up work at FEP not getting my $600+ pay. Then school started, and I worked part-time in Night Safari for a few days and ended relationship, bad romance hah. Really the job at NS, I feel so comfortable, and I really love the people there. Simple, having fun, and when work everyone knew it's serious business. Get to know my present boyfriend, Terence Liang more and more. Started going out and dated, going to places I've not gone with a bf before? And the way he treated me, is like the other person who treat me better will only be my dad. I call this fate, but sometimes I feel that it's luck. Becuz Im someone with really low self-esteem, Terence is a really great guy. He is sooooooo different from all the guys I met, maybe it's becuz he's much more older than me. I've grown really fat (comes from my twitter alot if you guys do follow) becuz he has been feeding him non-stop! I grew like 7 kg more and dont know how many inch of waist and thighs and butt more lor. He still hasnt stop feeding me! All good food! No one made me feel so pampered before, kissing me goodnight, holding my hands in public like always! :) , wanna buy things that I set my eyes on, catching those soft toys that are crowding in his room, watching so fucking many movies, having my birthday tgt with him and my two best friends Sim and XT, and this guy actually sing a birthday song, err it's a 2-3 minutes birthday song! For me!.........
Countless of things, when I was down (which happens every so oftently) he's always there and never leaving. Im always scared that he will, he will get bored of me, he will run away to girls who are much more attractive than me. You know how when someone stands next to your bf, and their similarities of possibly making a great couple actually scare you alot? Being afraid to lose him? I have security and trust issues, I hardly ever trust anyone.
One of the reasons is that, Im very absolutely very unplease with myself. My looks; my eyes? I have to put a great deal of eyeliner, worst thing, my colleague told me everyone is getting sick of my eye make up like I fuck you. My forever pom pom hair? I want long and thin hair but I never got that. My figure? DESTROYED. Trying to find it back but however good food always snatch away my attention. Next up, my personality; Im totally not sociable now compared to how I was in my Sec 1 & 2 times. My tongue got tied whenever someone intimidating, mostly girls, come up and speak to me. I just dont know what to say. My mind went blank. And I will start to hate myself like real lot and screaming inside me is TALK! SAY SOMETHING, not stupid pls. My confidence will go real low. It's like, how can those pretty girls talk so easily and feel so at ease everytime? And there's something in me that always like to find fault than look on the bright side. For the last two months I controlled that REAL well I was so happy for the last two months! But now I dont know what's wrong... I suspect it's PMS that fucking bitch again. I was crying for a good 20 minutes while on the phone with YY just now, after going to Singtel and they telling me no IP4 already when just about half hour ago they said there's alottttt. No, it's not only about my dear-havent-get-IP4, I just feel that everything is breaking down around me, it's like Im not strong at all, I cant hold small amount of stress, and I just feel that Im depending so much on YY and my dad I feel so so so damn bad. Know what he told me? "Even if the sky falls I will cover you also. So why care what other people say at all? You must know that once you have me, you dont need to worry about anything else, I'll be there for you." It immediately heals me, I dont know why. It soothe me right away. And I rmbed what he said, it's a big deal becuz I tend to forget alot of things nowadays. I love this guy so much. I really feel stronger and happier...
The worst thing about me I guess, is I really wanna meet my friends so fucking much, Sim, Xt, Tanleelee and Yilin. Most of the time I couldnt make it, some time is I dread :/ And a few friends I wanna catch up with, Enfer, Vivian Soh, Lorencia, and lots more. People I wanna know better, Yingxuan, Aolin, Peiyee & Vivian. And go out individually with Kailin. I know sounds quite stupid really. I just have this side Im so ashamed of facing, the me that's tongue-tied, dont know what to say, and the boring me. I feel that when Im me, no one likes it. When Im acting to be a little someone not like me that I dont really feel comfortable with and dont last long, people like to talk to me. Why? I really feel so ridiculous about this I cant figure it out. I keep telling me, be yourself be yourself pleaseeee! But being myself dont need any directing isnt it. So damn ironic and that's why I just....... Hide? I dont know. That's why I say it sucks to be me, I have some serious problem over here.
I hope one day I'll figure that out.
And if people will hurt me one day, I hope they'll hurt me now, all at once.
Because this is the best time to do it.
