A really cooling night it has been.
Kimi is sleeping on the ground right next to the sofa Im lying on.
How I much I love this little thing! Everyone in the family dotes on her so much and already pampered her too much...
My family has gone to sleep and here I am surrounded by silence and the occasional pop-up sound from Tweetdeck.
I am really lazy to tweet. Because of how I think everyone will judge.
When I tweet I guess that's the moment I do not care how people think? Actually most of the time I do not care... But what's with these few days hmmm
I am gonna find a job again, not at Night Safari. My one best friend haas been working there after me, and another is going to and interested to start work there. I would be glad to work there once again where I can be with my two best friends and boyfriend, what's so bad right? But it really is awkward if I have to work there again because I went back so often and all of them know me just a visitor now... I wouldn't like the feeling of going to work again there as a staff, yknow the feeling?
I had been living a really dependent life nowadays... It is time to change. I want to be independent. Times in life when you are losing things which you are dependent on, it feels so scary, and lonely and empty. That is the worst feeling I can ever get. Though now I don't think I will lose it again but I have to learn to be independent, no matter what's the case. I have to realise what I am capable of.
Since when I decided that I have to be capable? Well since things start pulling me down, making me feel as if I lose in every way possible compared to it. Let's call the thing that pull me down, 'it'.
Have you ever felt that being yourself is undesirable for others? And when you be yourself, it's wrong, it's not what people wanted. And when you ask what's wrong with being yourself, they'll say, There is nothing wrong, no one says that it's wrong. But deep down, you know they hope that you will be the way they want, because they know people like 'it' who are better in the ways that you can't be that strong at. And you know you wanna beat it, but you just wanna be yourself, and at the same time you want to prove that you have your own attractive points.
I do know that 'being myself' exclude not changing even though you know your bad points and bad habits, and I have been trying to change. I've got my bad habits of overusing tissue, overthink and over-consider things and thus doing them slower. I am not just a tad clumsy. And I do know those are not good points, but I have been like that for so many years of my life...
Who do not want to be loved for who you are, and hope that people take you for who you are?
Weak, I feel weak now, because I do not stand up well on my own.
I shut almost all of myself out from the outside world, distracting myself with books, pokemon, variety shows, dramas.
And that emptiness and shamefulness of myself still stays within me. How to say?
It's like Im in a well-designed room with all that furniture, all that colours, but there is no life in the room.
The Jiamin in me came by and drop in now and then... But it has been long since she appear, after she vanished not long ago.
Say me drama or what, this is my way of expressing my emotions I guess.
I am swallowed by the devil of the night again :/
I hate this so much
